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FEMINISM: A HUMOROUS EXAMINATION

Lucy

"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks."

Jean Kerr

The greatest mistake made by most women is to start any conversation on the topic with the phrase, "I'm not a feminist but...". This is a defensive and, as all good bullshitters know, the important thing is to take the offensive whether you know what you are talking about or not.

The great mistake of most feminists is to be angry. It's not that there isn't good reason to be angry
(reference # 1 at the end) but the fact is that there's nothing less convincing than rage. The typical tactic of men when feminism is mentioned is to use ridicule and sarcasm so as not to address the issues. The best weapon against this tactic is vitriolic humour and disdain.

Putting Men In Their Place

Some men are still stupid enough to argue that they are more intelligent, mentioning great men of the past. You could answer that Pythagoras and Socrates were taught by women (reference # 2 at the end), but then again most men will probably think that they were two Brazilian football players! It's probably easier to quote what men have said about the matter. For example, Ashley Montagu summed up the situation when he declared: "In revolutionary terms, females are more advanced than males. Women are more human than men". They should be able to understand that.

Being A Feminist

As we will see there are different types of feminists. However, all feminists agree about certain things:

  • At present, men are bad. Popular historical author, Mary Reanault stated: "In all men is evil sleeping; the good man is he who will not awaken it, in himself or in other men".

  • Men are responsible for the bad things in the world, like war. "If a woman gets nervous, she'll eat or go shopping. A man will attack a country - it's a whole other way of thinking", according to Elayne Boosler.

  • For the moment, marriage is bad for women. "If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married". So said Katharine Hepburn.

  • Equal opportunities don't currently exist. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult" (reference # 3 at the end).

  • Feminism shouldn't be about making women more like men, but about making men more like women.

There are two types of feminist: moderate/optimists and radical/pessimists. The optimists believe that men are redeemable. They think that with an appropriate education and an adequate legal system it is possible to reform men and turn them into decent human beings. In contrast, the pessimists think that all men are bastards. The evidence of the last seven thousand years of human history is clearly in favour of the pessimists. It is much easier to argue from the pessimist standpoint. However, male pro-feminists have to adopt the position of the the optimists (otherwise they would just have to go poison themselves!!)

The Moderate/Optimists

The optimists can cite a long series of men who have defended women's liberation such as the philosopher and Member of Parliament John Stuart Mill (The Subjection of Women, 1869), Norwegian play-wright Henrik Ibsen or Friedrich Engels. The Romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley (reference # 4 at the end) declared: "Can man be free if woman be a slave?". But as Erica Jong said, "Beware of the man who praises women's liberation; he is about to quit his job".

The moderates believe that the present system is capable of making laws that effectively protect society from men. My favourite dates from 1837. A legal ruling in London declared that "When a man kisses a woman against her will, she is fully entitled to bite off his nose if she so pleases
".

The Radical/Pessimists

Radical feminists don't believe that men can be reformed. Instead, men have to be controlled, repressed and eventually exterminated. They can also quote a man (though they probably wouldn't want to) to justify their conclusions. "You can think of maleness as a type of birth defect" - Dr. Stephen Wachtel.

One great radical feminist was Valerie Solanis, founder of The Society For Cutting Up Men (SCUM) and would-be assassin of Andy Warhol. She wrote that: "Women should... destroy the male sex. It is now technically possible to reproduce without the aid of males... and to produce only females. We must immediately do so... The male, because of his obsession to compensate for not being female combined with his inability to relate and to feel compassion... is responsible for War, Money, Marriage and Prostitution... Mental Illness, Prejudice... Ugliness... Hate and Violence... Disease and Death"  (The SCUM Manifesto, 1967).

Radical feminism has statistics and history on its side. Proof that all men are bastards can be deduced from the fact that children are 94% less likely to be abused in all female homes and that 25% of all crimes involve violence by husbands against wives. The short-term solution is, of course, castration. This is not as extreme as it may seem. Castration was practised in the ancient world by the Egyptians, Persians, Assyrians, Ethiopians, Medes, Chinese and Hebrews. In Native American societies castration was exclusively performed by women. In Ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome castration was specifically applied for sex crimes. In France castration was only finally abolished by Napoleon.

Other temporary solutions should also be put into effect. Since men are exclusively responsible for war and crime there should be a special tax on men to pay for the army and the police. There should also be a law which specifically bans men from carrying arms.

However, the ultimate objective must be the extinction of men. The good news is that men are no longer necessary. New jobs favour dexterity over strength. Over a quarter of births are now outside married, marginalising the father. Technology also points towards the elimination of men. Artificial insemination and cloning suggest that men are no longer needed. Dolly the Sheep was female.

But it has to be admitted that many men are actively participating in their own extinction. Men die earlier than women at every age from all major causes of death, and four times as many men commit suicide as women. Falling average sperm counts suggest that men's bodies acknowledge that they are destined for extinction. According to Margaret Mead, one of the most highly-respected 20th. Century anthropologists,  "Mothers are a biological necessity; fathers are a social invention".

Whether you choose to take a moderate or a radical position, remember: you have several millennia of oppression to avenge, but say it with a smile!!

REFERENCES

(1)

For example, 65% of work is done by women but women receive only 10% of the world's income. Women own less than 1% of the world's land and property. Women in developed countries earn only around 60% of what men receive.

(2)

Aristoclea and Diotima, respectively.

(3)

Charlotte Whitton, mayor of Ottawa, Canada (1963).

(4)

Husband of Mary Shelley, who wrote Frankenstein and was the daughter of Mary Wollstonecraft, the mother of feminism.

Source: Think in English

GLOSSARY

whereas: while, by contrast (mientras que)
bullshitter: persons who try to convince other people that they are expert on a specific subject(engatusadores)
whether
: "if" (you cannot use if before or) (si).
rage: anger, fury (la ira. la rabia)
so as not to address the issues: so as not to think and talk about the real questions (para no tocar el tema en cuestión)
weapon: arm, instrument (arma)
vitriolic humour: acid, caustic, malicious humour (humor ácido, cáustico)
summed up: summarised (resumió) 
stated
: declared (declaró)
in all men is evil sleeping: immorality is latent in all men (la inmoralidad está latente en todos los hombres)
go ahead!: do it!, continue! (¡adelante!)
standpoint: point of view, perspective, position (punto de vista)
to go poison themselves: to commit suicide by poisoning (consuming a toxic substance) (envenenarse)
beware of: be suspicious of, take care with (ten cuidado con)
praises: admire (alaba, admira)
about to quit: about to abandon or leave (a punto de renunciar a)
dates from: belongs to year (data del año)
legal ruling: legal decision (decisión legal)

will: wishes, preferences, desires (voluntad)
is fully entitled to: is completely justified in (tiene todo el derecho a)
bite off: amputate with one's teeth (arrancarle la nariz de un mordisco)
if she so pleases
: if she wants to (si así le place)
maleness: masculinity (virilidad)
cutting up: slicing, cutting into little pieces (hacer añicos, pedacitos)
would-be: aspirant to (aspirante a)
to relate: to empathise, connect emotionally (para empatizar)
on its side: in its favour (a su favor)
are 94% less likely to be abused: have a 94% smaller probability of being abused (tienen un 94% menos de probabilidad de ser abusados)
since: as, because, given that (dado que)
bans: prohibits, forbids (prohiba a los)
dexterity: ability, skills with your hands (la habilidad)
points towards: intends, is oriented to (apunta a)
to be admitted: to be recognised (que admitirse)
sperm counts: the estimation of the number of spermatozoa (los recuentos de esperma)
acknowledge: accept (acusan)
to avenge: take vengeance for, punish (para vengarse)

 

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